


The words I couldn't say

by Justafewthingstosay



Series: Dear Evan Hansen, Tree Bros one shots [9]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A whole ton of angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, ansgt, implied self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 16:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11235210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justafewthingstosay/pseuds/Justafewthingstosay
Summary: Connor was walking through the old orchard, trying to get his mind off of things that had been plaguing him. His family, always bothering him, him never being good enough, no matter how hard he tried. Him never knowing how to be the perfect son or the perfect brother, he didn’t even know how to be average, he was horrible, in every way that he could possibly imagine.





	The words I couldn't say

Connor was walking through the old orchard, trying to get his mind off of things that had been plaguing him. His family, always bothering him, him never being good enough, no matter how hard he tried. Him never knowing how to be the perfect son or the perfect brother, he didn’t even know how to be average, he was horrible, in every way that he could possibly imagine. 

So he walked through the trees, those big beings that would never judge him, that kept quiet about the smell of weed on his clothes and his unbrushed hair, or his chipped nail polish. They didn’t care, they were the most accepting things that Connor knew existed. 

So he came here to think, he smoked his blunt and walked through the old orchard, hearing the satisfying crunch every time he stepped on the dried out leaves. He liked to lose himself in his comforting high and the noises of the living nature around him. 

 

Connor came here on his worst days. On the days where he felt so numb that he tried to find his emotions through actions that he didn’t want to do, but always fell back onto. 

He had been having these days a lot lately, so he had walked the length of the orchard about four times this week. 

Connor slowly sucked in another breath of the blunt, feeling the smoke travel into his lungs and settle before he huffed it out.

He felt content, he slowly felt his brain shut off. He started to smoke out his brain, but that was when it happened. He was about to take another drag of the blunt when he heard a loud thud and a pain filled scream in the direction he was going in. 

Something overcame his body and he started running into the direction of the noise and it didn’t even take him five minutes to find a boy, lying on the on the foot of a tree. 

He had dirty blond hair and was wearing a blue polo shirt. He had tears in his eyes and Connor felt a weird strange of pity for him.

He walked over and saw that the young boy was looking at the sky, tears in his eyes and didn’t even acknowledge Connor in the beginning. 

“Dude! Are you alright?” Connor asked and the young boy was almost shaken by his sudden voice. 

The other shrugged and then winced in pain, after moving his left arm.

Connor leant down next to him. 

“Can I help you?” Connor knew that he sounded almost frantic, but he desperately tried to help.

“I think my arm is broken” Those were the first words the smaller boy said to him, and Connor tried not to focus too much on how nice his voice was. 

 

Connor bent down and tried to touch the other, but the young man flinched as Connor’s hand got closer. 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m really just trying to help” Connor trembled out. The shorter man didn’t say anything to Connor but tried to stand up, his head hurt from the fall and he wasn’t quite sure if he could stand up straight. 

 

He pulled himself up with his good arm and tried to hold on to the tree that was next to him, because of his slightly blurred vision, he missed the tree by only centimetres and Connor caught him, his reflexes faster than they normally were, when he was high.

 

The shorter boy started crying after Connor asked if he was okay.

“What did I do?” Connor quaked, still holding the other in his arms. The shorter boy used his working arm to wipe the tears away and shield himself from Connor’s gaze. 

“Nothing” the shorter one huffed out, still looking away from Connor. The taller man managed to make Evan stand up straight and helped to keep him steady. Connor was still feeling the after effect of the blunt he had smoked earlier, but he tried to think as clearly as he possibly could. 

“We should get you to the hospital,” He said softly to the other, who didn’t look at him. He looked onto the ground. Connor couldn’t see the tears that fell from his face onto the ground, but he knew from the way the other one spoke that they were still falling. 

“Thank you” the short male muttered out. 

The walk to Connor’s car was long and painfully quiet, every time he did try to start a conversation, the other one didn’t reply or only gave short answers that you couldn’t really work off of. 

Once they were around 10 minutes from Connor’s car, he realised that he still hadn’t introduced himself. 

 

“I’m Connor, by the way. Connor Murphy” He smiled weakly at the shorter male and he looked up to him for the first time. Connor noticed how beautiful the other one's eyes were. Connor felt his face flush and immediately looked away. Hoping that the stranger hadn’t seen it. 

“I know who you are Connor. We go to the same school. I’m Evan, Evan Hansen” the other mumbled, almost annoyed. Connors' eyes turned wide and he slowly bit his lip. He was perplexed and felt horrible. He was never one to remember faces or names well, but he had imagined that he would have remembered such a gorgeous face. After he thought that, he wanted to punch himself in the face. 

“I’m so sorry, I’m not good at remembering stuff like that and I just don’t pay attention in school in general and and…” Connor stopped himself when Evan looked at him, he looked defeated. His face was red and puffy from crying and his mouth hung on his face as if someone had tried to badly draw a face. Evan looked miserable and Connor felt his heart drop when he had to think about the fact that he was the only one here to help Evan. 

 

“I’m sorry” Connor added in a soft tone.

“It’s okay, I understand” Evan mumbled out, looking at the floor. 

Connor tried to speak, he tried to say something to make Evan feel better, but he was at loss of words and just looked down at his feet until they got to his car. 

He helped Evan inside, to which Evan once again replied with silence. This silence wasn’t broken until Connor had driven out onto the main road that leads to the city when Evan suddenly spoke up again.

 

“I’m sorry for being such an asshole to you, I’m very grateful that you showed up” He stammered out. He was fidgeting with the hem of his blue polo shirt, trying to calm his nerves. 

Connor moved to shift gear when he accidentally brushed his finger against Evan’s thigh, which made the other one jump. Connor quickly mumbled an apology, before speaking softly.

“I’m grateful I showed up too, Evan and don’t apologise for that. I was being a dick as well” 

After that their silence turned a little more comfortable and after a bit, they reached the hospital. 

The two boys had already waited for about thirty minutes when a doctor showed up to take care of Evan’s arm. It was indeed broken and he had to get a cast. Connor went with Evan the whole way, always sitting on the extra chair, or awkwardly standing in the back. 

As soon as they were able to walk out,  Evan’s arm in a brand new cast, curiosity got the better of Connor and he asked the question, he had on his mind the whole day.

 

“What happened anyway?” He regretted the question the second he asked it because Evan started to fidget with his hands, while his face turned red with embarrassment. 

“I- I fell out - of a tree” Evan mumbled out, getting a bit louder at the end as if he was trying to convince not only Connor but also himself that that was the truth. 

“You climbed a tree and then fell?” Connor asked, raising an eyebrow while looking at the shorter man, he couldn’t believe that a high school senior would climb a tree. 

“Yes,” Evan repeated through gritted teeth. Connor saw how Evan’s face turned red with anger, he grabbed back onto the hem of his shirt. “I climbed up the tree, as high as I could and fell” Evan moved closer and closer to Connor and he could tell that Evan was frustrated. 

“Why would you do that? Especially when you’re alone, that’s extremely dangerous,” Connor felt himself getting louder, and he wanted to stop himself from getting mad, but he couldn’t. It was one of those things that Connor could never control. His hands turned into fists that he clenched up tightly.

“Who cares if it's dangerous! I wanted to, so I did it. Why do you even give a shit?” Evan was full on screaming now, fidgeting with both of his hands, while grabbing onto his shirt with a despising look on his face. Connor felt his face heat up in rage. 

“You could have died, you idiot!” Connor belted at Evan, who was still playing with the hem of his shirt, his cold eyes darting into Connor’s direction. 

“That was the whole fucking plan, I was supposed to die, you dumbass!” Evan screamed back, tears filling his eyes, from both anger and sadness. Connor noticed the veins on Evan’s neck showing. Connors anger fell in a second, as he saw the smaller man unclench his fists, to bury his face in his hands. He started to cry and Connor's mouth opened slightly. 

He heard Evan sob and wanted to reach out to touch the smaller one, but Evan flinched back, as his hand touched his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry” Connor mumbled, not knowing exactly what to say to make the smaller one feel better. 

Evan didn’t respond but only cried into his hands. The sight was miserable and Connor felt ashamed. He couldn’t even really look at Evan, so he looked at his hands.

He slowly moved to Evan and pulled him into a hug. The blonde haired man was hesitant at the beginning, but after a bit, he melted into Connor’s tight hug. Slowly draping his arms around Connor's neck. 

They stayed like that for awhile. Evan crying into Connor’s sweatshirt, while Connor slowly stroked Evan’s back.

They only separated, when Evan started to slowly pull away. 

“Thank you” he mumbled, his red, puffy eyes looking up at Connor.

“No problem” Connor smiled down. They walked out towards Connor’s car and got inside. They stopped at À la mode because Connor insisted that Evan needed an ice cream. 

They had fun, laughed at jokes, talked about life and just, in general, had a wonderful time together. 

As Connor pulled onto the curb next to Evan’s house, he turned to Evan and looked into his eyes. He looked serious.There was no smile to be found on his lips and not even the small wrinkles around his eyes, that he got when he laughed or smiled, where visible. 

 

“Evan, suicide is not worth it. Trust me, I know. Just try to think about your future and how great it will be. You deserve it” Connor smiled at him. 

“Thank you, Connor” Evan smiled and pulled Connor into a hug. 

“Here, let me sign your cast,” Connor said softly, smiling while grabbing a sharpie. He took Evan’s arm softly into his hand and wrote his name in big capital letters on the side of it.

 

“Now we can both pretend that we have friends” Connor joked and Evan laughed lightly.

Before Evan left the car, they exchanged numbers. Connor telling him that he can always call him if he needed him, which Evan did. He called him when he had panic attacks when he needed to go home because he couldn’t handle school anymore, he even called when he saw something funny on Tv that he thought that Connor should see as well. They became close friends, Evan telling Connor his problems and Connor trying his hardest to help fix them. 

But while Evan spoke about his problems, Connor kept them inside. He needed to be strong for Evan, he couldn’t burden Evan with more problems.

 

He bottled them up, for so long, that one day he couldn’t handle it anymore. 

On the next day, Evan realised that Connor wasn’t in school. He tried texting him, asking if he was skipping. There was no reply. Evan slowly started to get worried. After his school day that seemed to last forever, he ran to the Murphy house. 

 

He knocked hard before a broken Cynthia Murphy opened the door. Her eyes were puffy and her makeup was destroyed by her tears.

 

She pulled him into a tight hug after telling him what had happened. He broke down in her arms, not being able to process what she had just told him.

He stayed at their house for a while, just talking about the wonderful boy that they had lost. 

Evan was surprised to hear, that Connor didn’t really talk about him when he was at home, but then he found out that Connor didn’t really talk about anything personal at home anyway. 

Before he went home, Cynthia showed him Connor’s room and that was when Evan broke down a second time.His knees felt like jello and they just weren’t able to support the weight of the short boy, he fell to the ground, sobbing into his hands.

 

After he had pulled himself together a bit, he started to walk around in the small room. He felt like an intruder. He felt as if he stole something personal from the dead boy when he looked at the drawings that the long haired boy had lying on his desk. 

He saw that some of those doodles looked like them. Sitting under their favourite tree or sitting on the bleachers in school.

Evan took a few of those drawings and put them into his pocket. 

He picked up one of the black sweatshirts from the bed and laid down on the unmade bed, inhaling the scent of his dead best friend. 

 

Tears kept fleeing his eyes and he couldn’t stop it. He fell asleep for a short bit on Connor’s bed before Cynthia came back and woke him up. She let him keep the black sweatshirt that he was holding on to with his life. 

Before he left, she told him that the funeral was in a week and a half. He nodded and left their house, clutching the sweatshirt as if it could bring Connor back to life.

The funeral was the worst part for Evan. Next, to Evan and his mother, only Connor’s family came. Both Zoe and Larry didn’t shed a tear throughout the whole ceremony and also not when they lowered Connor into the ground. 

All of them left and Evan was left alone with the open grave and his bouquet of flowers that he had bought the day before. It was a small bouquet of primroses. He had looked up the meanings of flowers and this one fit the best to what he tried to say. 

He tried to gather his thoughts before talking to the gravestone, which seemed even harder than when he normally tried to gather his thoughts to talk to people.

After a few minutes, a tear escaped his eye and he wiped it away before he started to talk in a soft voice. 

“I thought suicide isn’t worth it, Connor.” His lips were trembling, while he tried to hold back more tears. 

 

“I’m sorry that through all my troubles, I was never able to see yours, or maybe you just didn’t show them to me, which I -I could totally understand. I wasn’t really, uhm,  the best person to approach with problems, I could never help. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to show you the beauty in the world because you have shown it to me. Even through all the darkness in your life, you managed to bring light into mine. I - I - I want to thank you for that and I just want to tell you, that I don’t know where I would be without you.” He stopped for a second, holding back the tears that came into his eyes. 

“Connor, there was a thing that I always wanted to tell you, but never got around to. I just wanted to make sure, that I did tell you sometime. Even if it’s just to your grave.” He looked up into the sky to stop himself from crying.

 

“I’ve loved you, Connor, always have. Still do, to be honest.” Tears travelled down his cheeks, he fought hard not to cry, but there was no way around it. 

 

“You were so beautiful. And I never knew how to tell you that. I was never brave enough. To see the person you love the most, hate themselves is truly one of the worst feelings in the world. I truly hope that I didn’t make your life harder, my love.” 

He grabbed the primroses tighter, before setting them in front of the gravestone.

“Can you do me another favour?” Evan stammered out, his face filled with the streaks of his tears. 

“Please come back” Evan spoke clearly, without a sob interrupting his words or his stuttering.

Evan left on that day but brought a new bouquet of flowers the next day. After that, he started to bring flowers that he could plant. On his good days, he would bring Connor mostly white carnations. He had studied up a lot on flower meanings and he brought those flowers to Connor that he thought spoke the words the words that he couldn’t. 

 

On more normal days, Evan would bring Connor pink camellias and pink carnations. On his worst days, he would bring primroses. 

Throughout all of this, Connor’s grave became the most colourful and beautiful, but the flower most prominent on his grave was the primrose. 

 

Evan spent a lot of time at Connor’s grave. He couldn’t go to the orchard anymore, the memories of their happiness always came back to him, so he went to the graveyard, sat next to Connor’s grave and read, just like they used to do, Connor sketching and Evan reading, both of the boy's shoulder on shoulder. 

Now Connor’s shoulder wasn’t warm anymore, it didn’t give Evan goosebumps from excitement, instead, the cold gravestone made Evan shiver. 

Evan was never able to let go of Connor. Visiting him regularly, planting new flowers still speaking to his gravestone. He even started to call Connor’s phone, just so he could listen to his voicemail. Just to hear his voice again. 

 

Evan knew that no matter who came into his life, no one would ever be as good as Connor Murphy, and he was right. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, if you ever feel like you are suicidal or depressed, please seek help, we love you and you deserve help and to live. Please never give up
> 
> Plant meanings:  
> Prim Roses - I can't live without you  
> Carnation - I will never forget you  
> Camellia - Longing for you
> 
> If you enjoyed it, please consider buying me a [coffee](http://ko-fi.com/pissoffimrad)


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